Sunday, August 29, 2010

If I Were God...

Suppose for a second that I am a particularly spiteful God, to the point at which I would allow only certain people into Heaven.

This raised the question in my mind: How would I decide whom to allow into my beautiful world? (This creates many assumptions, none of which I particularly feel like addressing, but feel free to ask what this “Heaven” is like, and I will answer to the best of my ability.) Who would I cast into hell?

Surprisingly enough, this decision required almost no thought at all. When I decided to write this blog post, I had just finished brushing my teeth, and I thought to myself, “If I were God, whom would I let into Heaven? And, being the vain, prideful, and decisive person I am, I followed that with a prompt answer. “I would only let people in who lived their lives to the fullest potential.” People who embraced all of the joy, love and happiness in the world would be allowed; who stood up for what they believed in, and became the best human being they could be. I could care less if anyone ever had "Faith" in me.

Then I came upon the realization. If I were to die tonight, I would not allow myself into Heaven. In other words, if someone were to come to me for judgment that had lived the exact same life as me until tonight, I would tell him to go to hell.

And he would.

Before I throw myself into an eternity of torture, I would ask my God self:


And I (God) would reply:

“Have you ever experienced love? Too far out of grasp? How about passion, true passion, for anything? Did you even attempt to find a passion? You’ve certainly thought about it, but never acted to advance the vision of your perfect life. You watched life pass you by, and who knew that the punishment for apathy would be eternity in hell?”

“I understand. I apologize. I am ready.” I say.

“Before you condemn yourself and accept your punishment, I’m going to send you back down. The meteorite will not crash through your roof and kill you while taking a dump, and you will continue living your life as though it never happened. You will remember this conversation.” God me says.

“I cannot expr—“ But I’m cut off.

“From this moment forward, every time you look in the mirror, instead of yourself, you will see me, judging you each and every day. And each time , stare at me in the eyes and declare: “I will not disappoint you.”


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